How to overcome the Fear of Commitment?

Fear of Commitment

“You always have two choices: your commitment versus your fear”

The word ‘commitment’ itself might scare some people. The fear of commitment could either be in a relationship or even in simple life decisions. With the emerging infinite dating apps, one-night stands have become a common thing with the new generation. We are scared to commit to a relationship because we know it might end up miserably. This fear of commitment has stopped us from trying, leading to the concept of ‘no-strings-attached’.

This idea of non-commitment might temporarily fix our issues but only make us soul-less in the long run. We don’t want to commit and then keep complaining about how miserable and lonely our life has become. Sometimes we woo away our potential partner by indirectly letting them know that this is just another passing affair. We are stuck in the same situation over and over again.  Einstein describes insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.” so instead of complaining about being stuck, do something about it. So, what do we actually do?

We fear giving commitment because we think that we would be locked in some kind of emotion.
Image by MimzyImage from Pixabay.

Let’s take a very simple example here. How many times have you hit the gym ever since you took that membership? Most of us would be feeling guilty about it right now and a few might even be rationalizing the casual behavior by giving excuses. The excuses range from having no time to being lazy to having no motivation. But then we still complain about the stressful lives we lead and how inactive we have become. One simple solution here would be owing responsibility for ditching the gym and working out a way to become a regular. Some of the ways could be buying new gym gear or finding a gym partner. But do we actually do it? NO! Because we fail even before we try. We are scared of committing to even fitness here.

Here are some of the reasons why we may be scared of this big word – ‘commitment’. How many of these are actually true? Time to take note!

Unrealistic expectations

All thanks to Television shows and movies that we expect happy endings all the time. We forget that the movies are written by people who are paid to take the audience on an emotional roller coaster ride. We set the bar so high that we end up getting hurt and commitment-phobic. That’s where we go wrong sometimes! But then it’s human tendency to expect from someone you love.  Here’s something that can work for you; Perfect relationships and perfect people don’t exist!

Letting the past predict the future

You fell in love with that cute girl in college and everything was just perfect. You loved her and she loved you. But things didn’t work out and your heart was broken into millions of pieces. You had to drown your sorrows in alcohol and listen to sad songs to recover. You then decided to never fall in love again. This has happened with almost each one of us. Experiences work like shock therapy; you get burned enough times and you naturally become conditioned to stop doing it.

Here’s something you can do to let go of this fear of the past daunting on your future: Don’t generalize people and situations based on your past experiences. It’s tough but works wonders sometimes!

Here’s a short but not such a sweet love story.

Once upon a time, there was a guy named Bhushan. He had just completed MBA from the UK and returned to India to pursue his career in advertising. He got a job at a very good advertising agency. Bhushan had good bosses, lovely parties to attend, success at an early stage and great friends. Everything was going fine and then boom…he fell in love with this girl from his office. They were very much in love. Their relationship took a serious turn when their families got involved and their kundlis were matched.

It was all hunky dory for them. But then what do they say about time? It changes in the fraction of a second. She decided to pursue her MBA from the same college as Bhushan did and then come back to get married. Bhushan was hesitant first but then supported and encouraged her to go live her dream. She went to the UK and their long-distance relationship continued well for around 4 months.

The fear of commitment is a fear which people can get away with if they try.
Image by Angelic cooke from Pixabay.

Suddenly tragedy decided to make Bhushan’s life more interesting. He finds out from a couple of common friends that she had found another guy and that she no longer wanted to be with him. Bhushan could not believe it initially but reality slowly seeped in with time. He was devastated and never wanted to talk about love, commitment, and marriage again.

Three years have passed and he still doesn’t believe in commitment.

We have no perfect solution for this but one should just give another chance when it’s worth it.

There is time

Modern men and women don’t want to think of marriage and commitment because it’s too early for them. They want to focus on their career and make the most of it. Marriage can wait! We try to set time for commitment which never works. Therefore, don’t wait for the perfect time or the perfect person (We know you have made a list of the qualities) and just go for it when you feel is the right time. Because to be honest, there will never be more time.

I love my freedom

This may not be the sole reason for being commitment-phobic but is always there in our subconscious mind. Nobody likes to be questioned about their whereabouts and when it comes to constant nagging and regular fights with the partner, we are better off on our own. There is only a simple solution. We should learn to compromise and that’s where all relationships get stronger.

The fear of commitment ultimately boils down to the same cycle. We fall for someone, get hurt and then fear to get closer with someone else.  Moral of the story is, you have to get through it once again to let go of the fear. So, don’t be a pessimist and be open to situations that life throws in.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

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Debby Clarke

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